♡ What does Love Really Mean ♡ [entries|friends|calendar] ♡ Smile 4 Me ♡ I found a line and then it grewI found myself still thinking of you I felt so empty and now I'm fine But still it's burning when will you be mine Look at me, still in your mindOur memories, so intertwined Well you broke through, you found your way <3 [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Blah [17 Aug 2006|12:48am] [ mood | tired ] Hey y'all its been a very long time since i wrote so i'm gonna do that now. shit i've been so busy working and planning a wedding and all that shit. but i'm married now to the most wonderful guy in the world. (I LOVE U BABYCAKES!!!!!) work has been kicking my ass and everything too. i now longer work at office depot. i now work at Arby's in sterling heights as a manager. its not worth the drive. let me tell you. i don't make enough money for the drive alone. but i just got home from there and i gotta shower bad. so i'm gonna go for now. i love you babycakes. smurf you too * Take me as I am*

Blah [23 Jan 2006|09:24pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | When u say nothing at all ] Hey y'all i got an email from a friend today it said to look for an email with the subject of "a virtual card for you" what ever u do do not open it!!!!!!!!!! its a virus that will completely crash ur computer. anyways i wasnt sure if everyone knew that me n damian r engaged as of Christmas Eve. we plan to have the wedding in April of next year. Im so happy. i love him with all my heart and soul and nothing will ever change that. he is my pride and joy. but im gonna get off here i have some things i gotta take care of. love y'all babycakes that especially means u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * Take me as I am*

blah [20 Sep 2005|08:17pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | "Keeper of the Stars" Tracy Byrd ] hey kids hows life treating you?? good i hope. well my baby wrote sumthing in his livejournal and i think everyone should read it. his name is walkindead. if u wanna save it under ur friends i think u should. (especially smurf and jailbird smurf) but thats up to u guys. anyways, i love my baby to death. anyone who knows me knows that. i really dont feel like updatin anymore love u all, Mama Smurf * Take me as I am*

life [27 Aug 2005|01:26pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Bless the Broken Road Rascal Flatts ] its been a while since i have updated so i decided that it was time for it. i really dont know what to say but i love my baby with all my heart and soul. i know i would do anything for him. i would even take a bullet for him which i could have last nite at 10:30pm. but instead we went to the police station. when sumthing like that occurs u realize what u have and know that u dont wanna lose it. i know i was prettty shaken last nite and i know he was too. u know u truly love sumone when they mean everything to u and nothing else matters. i guess life just works that way. no one knows how or why it does but i think sumtimes its good that it does because its a little reminder of what matters to u in ur life. well kids thats all for now papa smurf i love u with all my heart and soul. smurf and jailbird smurf i love u guys to death and i seriously realized how much i really do care about u 2. i will always be "Mama Smurf" 1| * Take me as I am*

[07 Jul 2005|09:42am] [ mood | careless ] im fuckin done with all the shit that has been goin on and all that. apparently sum people dont know how to be a true friend. when all is said and done they r both in the wrong and should just get over it. but shit doesnt happen that way. people r too immature. i know i can be but on sum things i know im not. i just fuckin hate dealin with stupid shit. everyone seems to think they r the most important person in a friendship but thats not the way it goes. everyone is because if u cant trust them then they shouldnt be worth ur time and energy. Krystal if u read this, im done with this situation and i really could care less what happens because i have tried i have given u ur space but alll u can do is just sit there and not get over it. u r holdin a grudge for no fuckin reason. i dont want this friendship over because we cant talk about shit like we need to. we are both way too fuckin stubborn. so when ur done call me or sumthing because im done with this fight and i wont argue any more. and by the way i never had anyone goin to beat the livin shit out of bryan. i was just upset and i didnt want anything to happen because that would have been high school games and all that and u know i wont deal with that. P.S. all u had to do was give the number to the cops and they would have found out who it was. 1| * Take me as I am*

[16 Jun 2005|10:21am] Well i just found out last nite that my babycakes just got a live journal. how cute huh? anyways i have to get in to the shower. oh joy rite. yeah well i dont really care. i need to get clean. babycakes ilove u with all my heart and soul. smurf i love u my lil sis cassie bear i love u gurly * Take me as I am*

work sux [04 Jun 2005|09:32pm] [ mood | pissed off ] well i just got out of work and its like 930 at nite i hate my fuckin job. everyone knows i go to bed early and they fuckin still schedule me till like 930. its bullshit and i hate that place!!! but i dont have very much time cuz i have to be there at 10 in the mornin. ask me if i really wanna be there. if u answered no u r rite but if u answered yes u r completely and total wrong. well i guess im goin to bed because i have to be there at 10. so call me if u wanna talk in the am and if not then i guess i will talk to u sum time later. love alwayz me * Take me as I am*

in a good mood [23 May 2005|10:28pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | trapt still frame ] well as kay knows but no one else really does, but i finally moved in with damian.YAY!!!!!!!!!!! that made me soo happy yesterday. any way dad and i have been fightin for like the last fuckin week. i seriously hate him!!!!!!!!!! fuck him cuz im in a good mood!!! but im goin to bed to sleep cuz i have a long day tomorrow luv y'all i love my baby * Take me as I am*

hey y'all [17 Feb 2005|11:56am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Ryan Cabrera "On The Way Down" ] hey y'all. i know i havent been on in a while but ive been busy with the boyfriend and school. i havent had much time. y'all wouldnt believe who call me yesterday. ok kay will cuz i was talkin to her when i got the phone call. yeah my ex nate. he wanted to apoligize for the way he treated me. i think that was all bullshit. he got my number from information. my fuckin house number. i do not give that out what so ever. god was i pissed when i found that out. he has no rite to be callin me. god do i hate him. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! any who, i missed y'all. and i hope u missed me too. but i dont have very much time i have to go and do a lot of shit. talk to y'all later. kay, mary, n cassie i love y'all to death!!!! u guys r like my lil sis' DONT CHANGE WHAT EVER U DO!!!!!! bye * Take me as I am*

GRRRRRRRRRRR [04 Feb 2005|04:55pm] [ mood | pissed off ] i hate my fuckin father!!! i cant get damian V-Day present till next weekend cuz dad wont let me keep it here. what the fuck. hes a man thats scared of fuckin snakes. come on now. they just slither around. whats wrong with that. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. anywho i have to get off and get in the shower luv y'all * Take me as I am*

i dont know [02 Feb 2005|10:39am] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | "bless the broken road" rascal flatts ] hey y'all i have been very busy so i really havent been able to write anything recently. shits been crazy. i havent spent a nite at home in a long time. my cats probably hate me. but i have been home long enough to feed them. schools been kickin my ass and my hunny has been too. we spend as much time together on his days off that we can. so yeah its been kinda boring. i have talked to kay tho. atleast once a day. my bed i dont know what that feels like anymore. lol. i was actually gonna stay at home last nite but i didnt. its a good thing too because i had a nitemare about my past. scared the living shit out of me. i literally jumped out of bed. i woke up damian too. it was just hell. and the funny part about it is i know that what took place in my dream wasnt real just because the "asshole" was dead and haunting me. it would never happen because i know hes still alive. any who i just had to get that off my chest. i actually feel better now. i just realized that mine and damian 1 month is on valentines day thats crazy. so if y'all know what day that is think one month back and thats the day that we started dating. awwwwwwwwwww thats so cute. sorry just giddy about it. anyways i have to get off here gotta shower. sounds like fun talk to y'all later luv lotz * Take me as I am*

[15 Jan 2005|09:14am] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | "Untitled" Simple Plan ] hey whats up y'all? well i finally got an answer to the question i have been asking my special friend. he asked me if i wanted to be his and of course i said yes!!! that was last nite. damn im happy again even tho this month is bad 4 me. but yeah so im not single as of yesterday. shit all day yesterday we were holding hands every where we went. he even kissed me infront of my mom. that shocked the shit out of me. yes he has also finally met my mom and my dad a couple of days ago. i have met his mom, step dad, and step sister, and dad and step mom. i still have yet to meet his brother, sister in law and step brothers. yeah he still has yet to meet my 2 brothers and their gurlfriends. but he already knows joes gurlfriend. shit he knows my ex fiance. yeah that scared me when i found that out yesterday. well i gotta go luv y'all kay-dogg i love u my lil sis :) cassie bear i love u too my other lil sis :) * Take me as I am*

im really pissed but yet im really happy [10 Jan 2005|12:19am] [ mood | sore ] [ music | "What do u say" by Reba McEntire ] so yesterday my mom and i found out that the dog and her pups have to come home b/c she went after elizabeth's grandson who is 2. yeah im not really happy about that. a first time mom with 3 living pups and one stillborn?? come on now, shes gonna be very over protective of her babies. most dogs would be like that. shit if i had a child and was a first time mom, i would probably be very over protective of it. but needless to say, i dont think elizabeth really knows what shes doing. why would u let a child, and a 2 year old at that, be around a new first time mom. that really gets me. can sumone please explain that to me?? this shit really dont make sense to me. i did like her as a person but its her fault that the pup died in the first place. then she gonna let a baby go around a leary mother and dog at that, considering the dog has never really been around children.sorry if i sounded like a bitch on that but damn man, u have to be very ignorant to do sumthing like that. but on another note, i got laid 2 nite by my special friend!!! holy shit!!! that had to been the best sex i ever had. the neighbors probably had to have a cig after that. i dont think i ever screamed that loud. it seemed like the best fantasy in the world. if u ever dream what excellent sex was, then yeah thats what i had. i never had that many orgasms in my fuckin life. but i think i know what makes the sex so much better. we dont actually have it that often. so i think thats what makes it that much better. oh my god do i want it again!!! anyways im gonna get off here i have to be up at 9 in the morn kay-i love you!! we have been thro a lot together. and like u said we relate to eachother on a level that no one else can. that is partially b/c of our past and b/c we have that little connection that a lot of people dont have with their friendships. i think thats why we get a long so fuckin great!!! Cassie-dont u dare think i would ever forget about u. even though i met u through kay does mean that i dont care bout u. u both r my lil sis's. shit ive only known u a year but knowing that u actually listen to what i have to say and i listen to what u have to say is our connection. we understand eachother better than a lot of people understand us. lol!! i love you!!! Mary-yeah i really dont know u and we've only hung out once since i graduated. but still i care about u. u r one of my gurls and i care about all of my gurls no matter what the situation is. i just wanted u to know that. i think my cat wants to say hi to everyone cuz he's sittin on the side of the keyboard. damn hes funny. im just surprised he hasnt pressed any of the buttons. alrite im goin to bed love u all!! * Take me as I am*

My baby had Puppies!!!! [06 Jan 2005|01:07pm] [ mood | sleepy ] last nite i got a phone call around 9. it was my mom. she said that we had a puppy. i was like what. she said yeah, we have a little boy!! i was like awwwww. get ur ass here so we can see him. so she came and got me. when we finally got there it was about 10. i asked elizabeth, the breeder, if i could go and see her. she said yeah i dont see why not she ur dog, just be quiet and calm when u go in. i said ok. wouldnt u know it that she had another pup just 2 min after i walked in there. yeah i delivered the 2nd little boy. i called them b/c i thought she was having complications. but she wasnt. i did panic. ur not supposed to do that. but i got the puppy out and he was screaming to go back in. so when my mom and elizabeth got into the birthing room, i walked out to have a smoke. yeah that wasnt very much i needed to relax. so as we were sittin there, we saw her have more contractions. when i saw that, i started rubbin her belly and that helps push the puppy down into the birthing canal. we waited another 4 hours till the puppy was born. he came out at 3 am. he was a stillborn. we tried to bring life into him, but it just didnt work. i had my mom call elizabeth on her cell phone. she was sleeping. mom told her that the puppy was born dead. elizabeth rushed out to try and save the pup but it didnt work. he was dead. b/c i wanted to cry, i went out and had another smoke. i needed to calm down so the dog wouldnt get worried, scared, or upset. so i went back in the birthing room and we waited another 3 hours for our little gurl to be born. by that time and before the little gurl was actually born, elizabeth was up and she was running her own dogs. she came in and check on Jana, our dog. she said she would have to give her a shot of potosin. (that induces labor.) so no more that 10 min that little gurl was born. of course i was the only one in the room, so i delivered her too. when she started screaming i was the happiest person in the world. the little gurl was born at 6 on the dot!! so again i called elizabeth and her and my mom came running in to see the little gurl. she weighed 19oz. another big pup. after that, we waited for more. by 730 we gave her another shot of potosin and we waited to see if there was any more babies. but there wasnt. so by 830 we left to come home. when ii got home i thought i would just crash. yeah that didnt happen. i couldnt fall asleep. i stayed up till about 10 and then finally fell asleep. then noon comes around and my father decided to call. was i pissed. i told him to call back in a couple of hours. he said why. i told him that the dog had puppies. he said he didnt know that she was pregnant. i told him that i might have to go to elizabeths to deliver pups last nite. he said he didnt remember that. i was like oh well dont matter. so yeah ive been up since he call cuz i cant go back to sleep. but anywayz that was my very long nite. i hope y'all enjoyed reading about it. love y'all im gonna try and sleep. nite * Take me as I am*

Why does today suck? [05 Jan 2005|06:15pm] [ mood | blah ] well let me tell u. my dad came home and told me that i have to break most of my plans for saturday. but the good thing is that i am gettin a car then!!!!!! the guy that i like has had his phone off all day so i havent talked to him. grrrrrrrrrrr!!! i miss him even though i saw him yesterday. i was supposed to go over there after i picked my mom up and that didnt happen b/c we had to go to elizabeth's house to take care of her dog that is pregnant. yeah we didnt get home till 1030 last nite. we should have been home by like 830. that pissed me off to the fuckin max!! i wanted to spend the nite with him but that didnt happen. why does everyone have to piss me off so fuckin much?? my dad and his g/f have been fightin and he wants to move back home with me and i really dont want him here. hes an asshole. plus my license is suspended b/c of a ticket i thought was taken care of. but it wasnt. so i have to on the 13th to try and get it back. im not sure its gonna happen. but it dont matter. anyways that all that really happened since dec 31st. oh yeah new years eve my friend did come over. it as like 1220 when he called and said he was outside my main door and to let him in. so i did and we hung out here for like 40 mins and then we went to his apt and i spent the nite there. i woke up like a half hour before he woke up and i watched him sleep. god he sleeps so preciously. then he woke up and i was holding him and he kissed me. i was like awwwww. i love it when he kisses me. anyways i will talk to y'all later luv lotz * Take me as I am*

new years sux [31 Dec 2004|10:50pm] [ mood | hyper ] [ music | untitled by simple plan ] its new years eve. yeah that sux. my sweetheart still hasnt called me yet. im waiting for him to get home dropping his friend off at her sisters house. i talked to him like a half hour ago and its killin me. i want to spend newyears with him. i really dont think thats gonna happen. i wanted my new years kiss but that wont happen either. god men suck. yeah this new year looks like it will be the same as last year. no kiss no nothing. grrrrrrr!!! anywayz, im still goin insane. i have decided that my new years resolution will be to quit smokin. i have made a bet with someone and if i quit, i get 50 bucks. hel yeah thats gonna be very hard bc im quitin cold turkey. i am in the state of mind that it will be easy!! (i hope!!) but 50 bucks that will be very nice. let me tell ya. :)so as of this moment, i have about an hour and ten minutes till i quit. oh my fuckin god. im scared cuz i have been smoking for a long ass time. Kay i love u. u r the bestest lil sis and bestest friend in the world!!!!!!!!!! * Take me as I am*

my 24 hour adventure [26 Dec 2004|10:29pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] well it all started last nite. i went to my special friends apt. we fell asleep on his couch. then woke up at like 1230-100AM. and we went to bed. sometime in themiddle of the nite, i woke up to mine and his hands linked. i about cried. that was like the happiest feeling in the world. it had to have been like 330 in the morning. he held on tight to my body. so i knew it i cried he would wake up. i really didnt want to do that. so i went back to sleep. i woke up about 915 and i guess he woke up at 800. so i rolled out of bed and sat on the couch next to him and he said sumthing along the lines of "good morning beautiful how did u sleep." of course i said good. he was like me too. then i heard his moms cat, patches, crying so i went and got her. she started licking my hand and then went to sleep on my arm. so he went to go and clean her litter pan out and i held on to her. then when he was done, i went out for a smoke and i got so fucking lightheaded. that was the worst feeling in the world. i usually smoke a full cig but i only got down half b4 i felt like i was gonna puke. so i went back in and told my special friend that i was extremely lightheaded and he told me to sit down so i did and he gave patches to me. she cuddled with me until he got out of the shower. then he sent me home and i showered and got dressed. then i went back over there and we went to the mall. after that, we went to his friends work and got lunch. then we went back to his house and sat with the cat until like 600pm and then we went to dinner. that was fun bc his boss called and said that he had to be at work at 430 in the morning. yeah that sucked hearing that. but anyway we werent gonna let that ruin our meal. so when we got done with that we went back to his apt and hung out for a few and then he took another shower and got ready for bed. meanwhile i was playing with the cat. like 5 min after he got out of the shower, she scratched my face on accident. she almost cut my lip open. funny thing is she was batting at my hair. then i told him what happened and he yelled at her and i saaid that it was an accident and he still put her in the bathroom. then we laid done so he could got to sleep cuz he has to get up at the ass crack of dawn (3:30AM). yeah thats too early 4 me. so when he went to sleep i left and kays bro came and got me so i could get my shit out of my car and we can junk it. yeah that thing is a piece of shit. then i i offered him some gas money and he wouldnt accept. (kay u need to have a talk with him 4 me about that shit!!!) then i came home and started to write. and here i am almost 24 hours later after having a very good day with a hott boy and my special boy. :) Kay I <3 U!!!!! u r the bestest friend and lil sis anyone could ever ask for. im there 4 u till the end for u and i hope u r 2. actually wait a minute i know u r 2!!!! 1| * Take me as I am*

[25 Dec 2004|10:22pm] [ mood | depressed ] Playground school bell rings again Rainclouds come to play again Has no one told you she's not breathing Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to Hello If I smile and don't believe Soon I know I'll wake from this dream Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide Don't cry Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping Hello I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday I tried to kill the pain But only brought more (So much more) I lay dying And I'm pouring Crimson regret, and betrayal I'm dying, praying Bleeding, and screaming Am I too lost to be saved Am I too lost My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation Do you remember me Lost for so long Will you be on the other side Or will you forget me I'm dying, praying Bleeding, and screaming Am I too lost to be saved Am I too lost My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation Return to me, salvation I long to die My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation My God, my tourniquet Return to me, salvation My wounds cry for the grave My soul cries for deliverance Will I be denied Christ Tourniquet, my suicide Return to me, salvation Return to me, salvation You don't remember me but I remember you I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you But who can decide what they dream, and dream I do I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you To live, to breathe, you're taking over me Have you forgotten all I know and all we had You saw me mourning my love for you And touched my hand I knew you loved me then I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you To live, to breathe, you're taking over me I look in the mirror and see your face If I look deep enough So many things inside that are just like you are taking over I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you To live, to breathe, you're taking over me I believe in you I'll give up everything just to find you I have to be with you To live, to breathe, you're taking over me You're taking over me You're taking over me I wanted you to know That I love the way you laugh I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away I keep your photograph And I know it serves me well I wanna hold you high and steal your pain Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away You've gone away You don't feel me here anymore The worst is over now And we can breathe again I wanna hold you high and steal my pain away {both- only the word away} There's so much left to learn And no one left to fight {Both} I wanna hold you high and steal your pain Cause I'm broken when I'm open And I don't feel like I am strong enough Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away Cause Im broken when I'm open And I don't feel like I am strong enough Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone away Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome And I don't feel right when you're gone You're gone away You don't feel me here anymore Baby, Baby tell me what's up? Can you hear me or do I, do I need to turn it up? Boy, This evening, was it only me, Feeling completely Down to be open. Down to be open, For some satisfaction. Didn't wanna say yes, Afraid of your reaction. I knew it was wrong for feeling this way, Especially the thought of getting in on the first date. Couldn't let go, It stayed on my mind. At the end of the night, I had to decide, I was thinking. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I don't get down on the first night. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I wanna get down but not the first night. We were chillin, Watching your TV. I thought you were coming close as you got to me. Wanted to touch you. Wanted to kiss you. And somehow in one night, Discover I love you. Felt so right but it felt so wrong, And look how we are carrying on. Try to say things to get me to stay, But my watch tells me its getting to late. I'm thinking. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I don't get down on the first night. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I wanna get down but not the first night. If, If you want me, You got to know me. If you want my love, You gotta win my love. Hey baby, That's the way its got to be yeah. Get to know me. Get to know me. So we can do this. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I don't get down on the first night. I should make a move but I won't. I know you're probably thinking something is wrong. Knowing if I do that it won't be right. I wanna get down but not the first night. * Take me as I am*

the shitty day [25 Dec 2004|08:49pm] [ mood | bitter ] today has been the worst day of my life so fuckin far... first i had to go to my dads gurls condo yeah thats was fun... not... next my oldest bro comes over and is an ass to me yeah that royally pissed me off... then on the ride how, which was like 5 hours later, the middle one said he wanted to kick a special persons ass... i am FUCKIN BITTER!!! kay i <3 u ur my bestest friend and my bestest lil sis :) SMILE FOR ME!!!! 2| * Take me as I am*

[25 Dec 2004|03:12am] [ mood | bitter ] i have no idea what im doin here!! why cant get any answers?... why me?... what have i done?... love and happiness, whats that?... i had a piece of shit ride, now its dead... whats a gurl to do?... yeah i have friends but sumtymes thats not enough... a gurl always needs more... there is this special person in my life, but he is just a friend... i want more with him, yeah like that will actually happen though... my luck recently nothing happens like its supposed to... everything is bad... i need sumthing good ta happen to me... what i dont really know... maybe win the lotto or find a new life or hell just find sumone to keep me happy... on another note, its christmas... its been a shitty day so far... i hate my granny... shes a fuckin bitch... i just sumtimes wish she would die... sumone please help me out of this life... its been very rough since i was young... im done... i think i can maybe one day manage this life but im not really sure... so if u see me fall just help me back up... dont laugh at me... cuz once u live this life u'll look at ur own lot differently... so im signin off on that note... peace just so u know kay I <3 U and u mean the world to me... u r my best friend and my lil sis luv u 1| * Take me as I am*

I love my chrisi bear!! [23 Dec 2004|10:47pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Trapt + Hallowman ] DO YOU LIKE IT? 1| * Take me as I am*

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